In the absence of anything major going on in my life right now, I am going to tell a tale of an incident that happened to me a while ago.  I’m generally against change (see the previous post), but I have a particular resistance against new foods – or at least foods that are new to me.

My tale begins on a cold winter’s evening, in a local pub restaurant.  My partner and I had just enjoyed a pleasant meal after a long day at work and decided that maybe we would have a look at the dessert menu.  The waitress brought us the menu and I began to peruse it.  The top of the menu was the usual – Bakewell tart, sticky toffee pudding etc.  But then I saw one item that stuck out.  One item above all others that drew my attention.  It drew my attention not because it was of interest to me to eat – quite the contrary.  The item in question was “Apple Upside-Down Cake.”

Now I don’t know whether the cake was upside-down because it had  been dropped, or perhaps because they had had to tip it out of it’s container onto the plates.  Maybe it was an Australian cake.  Some people in society are bad because they are born that way, and maybe this upside-down cake was also just made that way.  It prompted me to ask my partner, “What the fuck is an upside-down cake?”

More to the point, why the hell would I want an upside-down cake when I could just order a normal one?  Which freaky member of the kitchen staff had decided that people would want to eat their cake upside-down style?  Aren’t there enough cakes in the world already?  Personally, I like to think that the place was left at the end of the day with a huge pile of upside-down cakes that nobody wanted and someone being told, “What the hell were you thinking?”

Personally, I’ll stick to what I know and have my cake the right way up.  There is no need to go around inventing weird cakes.

A few weeks ago I had something of an epiphany.  Possibly it’s a result of hitting 40 at the end of the year, and having accumulated enough worldly wisdom to become wise in the ways of many things.  Having had some time to dwell upon this realisation and expand on a few ideas, I feel that I am now ready to write a lifestyle book, maybe do a few seminars, set up a website, create a cult of some kind - that sort of thing.  Unfortunately, I’m too lazy to any of those, so I’m just going to write the outline of my Lifestyle Guru ideas here and hope that they spread across the world without any further effort from me.

My lifestyle system is aimed mostly at the over 40′s, possibly people in their 30′s.  It is called:

“Stick to What You Know”

 My theory goes like this:

Once you reach the age of 40, you have experienced many things – some good, some bad.  Therefore, there isn’t much point in experiencing new things.  In fact, experiencing things that are too far outside of our normal experience generally only causes us stress.  As an example, in my 40 years on this earth, I have never tried bungee jumping.  I don’t feel unhappy about this and I have indeed thrived on not bungee jumping off a bridge or a crane.  I have however spent many days lying on the couch watching films.  So if there comes a choice between going bungee jumping, or lying on the couch watching a film, the choice is simple – stick to what you know.  In this case, lying on the couch.

By the time you are 40, your brain has experienced enough that it pretty much knows what you will like.  Therefore, you will have a well-developed “gut instinct” – so you should use it.  So for example, if you are out in the town shopping and you walk into a new shop then you should walk about 5 paces inside the door, whilst at the same time moving your head so that you get two quick scans of the shop.  If you do not immediately like what you see or hear (i.e. the fashions look too young for you, or there are way too many people and not enough floor space, or the aisles are too close together, or the staff look a bit weird, or the music is too loud) the you should immediately and without pause turn around and walk back out – your subconscious knows what you like, so trust it.  Go to a shop that you visit frequently – in other words, stick to what you know.

If there is a new band on the radio or TV, then give them around 6 seconds of your attention before you change channels – unless their music sounds like the sort that you like within that time, then you probably aren’t going to like them.

Holidays – Why take the chance of having a crappy time on the precious days of the year that you aren’t at work?  Stick to what you know and go to the same place every year because you know that you’ll be comfortable there. 

There are many more examples, but hopefully I have provided a foundation for people to start following my system.

But, is there any evidence that “Stick to What You Know” is a valid lifestyle choice?  Well, yes there is:

1) When people go to watch a sequel to a film, we want pretty much the same as the first file with just a few differences.  We want the same cast, the same music, the same sort of adventures.  Proof:  Raiders of the Lost Ark, followed by Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.  Pretty much more of the same and we loved it.  Further Proof:  Highlander, followed by Highlander 2 – magic replaced by technology, fantasy replaced by sci-fi and overall, way too different to what went before, so no one liked it.

 2) When people buy clothes, they tend to stay within a particular style over many years.  You don’t generally go from wearing sports gear all of the time and then suddenly go out one day and buy yourself lots Goth gear.  No, we all tend to stick to what we know - the same generally applies to hairstyles.

3) Food -  Think about how many times you have ordered the same thing when you order Chinese food to be delivered.  How often are you disappointed when you try something different, and then just end up going back to the same few dishes that you always order?  Save yourself the hassle and just stick to what you know.

By following the way of Stick to What You Know, your mind is freed up from the mundane decisions of everyday life.  You avoid disappointment because you always know what you are getting.  Advertising will have no effect on you – some cheery, beautiful young person tries to interest you in a new product – well you are already sticking to what you know, so you can safely ignore them and get on with your day.

Someone stops you in the street to ask you to try some new drink that is coming out soon – just say, “No, it’s not for me.” and keep walking towards your usual shop or restaurant.

Stick to what you know is the pathway to happiness, and I’m sharing it with the world.

Here I find myself in 2012.  Looking at that number still comes as a bit of a shock – I can remember watching “Space 1999″ as a kid in the 70′s and being certain of it’s accuracy as a predictor of the future.  Now though, I am not certain that I would want it to be anyway – I’ll come back to why later.

2011 ended pretty poorly for me and those close to me – My dad was (and is still) ill and my partner’s dad has been in hospital for a couple of months.  Both of them seem to be out of danger right now, but it’s really too early to tell.  On a more positive note, my partner (I’m trying this word out instead of “girlfriend” because it sounds more grown up) and I spent New Year’s Eve together for the first time.  A few of our friends though that sounded sweet when I told them, until I pointed out that we will have been together for 6 years come April.  Generally, neither of us usually thinks of New Year’s Eve as particularly special, and I#’m sure that I’ve rented here before about the ridiculous prices places charge on New Year’s Eve ever since the Millennium celebrations (followed the year after by the “real” Millenium celebrations).

So, why am I glad that we don’t live on the Moon (or that it got blasted into space by a huge nuclear explosion at relativistic speeds that enable it to reach a new solar system every week), and why the title “New Year, Same Old Shit”?  It’s because this end of year time, I am reminded once again that those of us that live in “democracies” have about as much choice in our leaders as the people of China or North Korea – we’re just better at hiding the fact.  Even though the people at the top may change every few years, the people working in the government do not change – nor does the mind-set of those who we elect.  They may start out with good intentions, but they lose them along the path to power.

Here’s the most obvious example of this to me at this time of year – The New Year’s Eve fireworks in London went on for 10 minutes to mark the New Year.  This at a time when the economy is struggling.  You might argue that when we are all feeling down, now is just the time to celebrate.  Personally though, I think the same as I thought at the millenium celebrations – wouldn’t it have been much better to announce at the start of November that this year we would have a much smaller firework display (possibly even a single white flare) and that the money would be spent to ensure that every homeless person in London was given a thermal blanket or sleeping bag and extra shelters would be opened for the night to ensure that no one started the new year sleeping on the street?  A nice idea, but one that will never happen when our rulers upon getting elected suddenly feel that they are above the rest of us and that they deserve to travel away from the commoners, have everything claimed on expenses and push through bills that none of the people that voted for them want.  That’s why I’m glad that at least more billions weren’t wasted on getting us to live on the moon.

Anyway *deep breath* – desipte my gloomy outlook, I’m hoping that things will turn a corner for all of us in 2012.  Happy New year to everyone out there.

School trip today.  Last year I turned down a chance to go on a school trip to France.  This year I turned down the chance to go on a 3 day trip to an outward-bound type place.  Basically, I’m not doing residential trips again because it isn’t a free holiday, it’s 16 hours a day of overtime.  Even when you’re asleep you still have to be on duty.

I my self was slightly surprised then to find myself today on a day trip with the school.  I had been recruited under false pretenses – being told that all my morning classes were on the trip anyway, which turned out to be not the case.  So instead of a normal-ish day at work I was subjected to a 75 minute coach journey, followed by three and a half hours of wandering about trying to find particular activities without a map of the place, and trying to keep some kids under control when to be honest I could understand why they were bored.

So as of now, let it be known that I will no longer go on a school trip unless I am absolutely forced to by my line managers.

I haven’t posted here for a while – yes, it is partly apathy but it is also because I’ve had a lot of things going on that I don’t want to write about because then it makes it harder to try and keep them all in the back of my mind.

But on the subject of apathy, I do have a few things to say.  Today I am not at work because I am taking part in a public sector worker’s strike.  There are many arguements both for and against the cuts to our pensions and working conditions and I’m not going to rehash them.

However, I am listening to the radio coverage of the strike / pensions situation.  Right now there is someone being interviewed who works for the private sector.  she is complaini9ng because she has to stay at home to look after her child due to the schools being closed.  The line that really bugs me is “My pension conditions were worsened, but I don’t have the option to strike.”  Let me spell it out for the people in the private sector – you have allowed employers and the government to erode your working conditions because you are not part of a union.  Due to your own apathy over many years you have allowed your pensions and working conditions to be lessened and now you think that those of us working in the public sector should do to same.  Misery really does like company doesn’t it?

My next target is my fellow public sector workers.  The government is making the most of a low turnout ion the union strike ballots.  What annoys me is that the union sends you a ballot slip that you just have to tick or put a cross on, together with a stamped, addressed envelope.  They send this to your house.  HOW DIFFICULT IS IT TO TICK A BOX AND POST IT BACK?  If you don’t want to take action then fine, tick that option and send it back, but at least take a few minutes to respond.

I put the non-voters only just above the people who annoy me the most – and there are some where I work.  These are the people who are part of a union (there are five different unions where I work) but are saying, “Oh, I’m not going to go on strike – I can’t afford to lose a day’s pay.”  This too I can understand, but they will be quite happy to take any benefits gained by the rest of us losing a day’s pay.  Also, when there is an issue that affects only that person, they will expect the people in their union to support them – that is what a union is.  If you don’t want to support the action that the union takes then it’s quite simple – LEAVE AND GO JOIN ANOTHER FUCKING UNION.

*DEEP BREATH*  I’m not actually a hard-line union leftie red.  I don’t enjoy losing a day’s pay for the second time this year.  But I certainly don’t like the idea of paying out an extra £100 per month, working until I’m 68 instead of 60 and then recieving a pension much lower than that which I was promised when I started this career 18 years ago.

My mobile phone has been playing up a lot lately.  Mainly because it’s several years old.  It is a Nokia E71.  For the past 18 months the mobile company has contacted me every so often to ask if I want an upgrade (and they can’t understand why I wouldn’t).  Basically, the phone does the things that I want it to do and I know how to use it.  I often get asked if it is a Blackberry (it isn’t, but it looks like one), and also why I picked this instead of an iPhone (didn’t want one).

However, lately my once trusty and reliable phone is showing it’s age.  The battery life is down to just over a day, so it has to be charged every night (supposed to last a few days and used to when it was young).  Also, web pages on some sites are taking forever to load these days.

So, I have been considering getting a new phone for a few weeks.  Since I bought my iPad at the start of the year though, I have become a little warmer towards iPhones.  Yesterday, I found that I could get a free iPhone 3GS for the same monthly contract amount that I presently pay.  I lose the “unlimited” internet access (which is really only unlimited until you start using it a lot and then they complain at you) and now have 1 gig per month, which I shouldn’t think is a problem since most of the time I’ll be connected to a wireless network anyway.

Yes, I could have got an iPhone 4, or waited a little and got the new iPhone 4 something or other, but I’m not prepared to pay either £35/month for my phone contract or to buy one outright at around £400.

So far I’ve transferred some of my ipad apps over and downloaded a few free ones that are more iPhone-friendly.  I also finally (after several years of meaning to) got to grips with Outlook to use the calendar feature, and I now have everything all synched up (I think).  Now just waiting for Amazon to send me the case that I ordered.

Exactly one week ago I reached the age of 40.  Even with the advances in medical science I think it’s safe to say that even at my most optimistic, I am now at the halfway point of life.  So just like a soccer game, it’s time for a half-time report.

So:

Chronological age: 40 years

Age my mind thinks I am: 19

Mental age when it comes to smutty humour: 12

Physical age of body: 49

So overall, I am going to take an average of those ages which comes to 30, so I’m not doing too bad.

So in taking stock, I was thinking last week what have I achieved in the last 40 years?

Well, I have a woman who loves me and whom I love in return.  I have a job which I don’t hate and if I have to go to work, then I can live with doing this job.  I have my degree from university, and my postgraduate certificate.  I have a black belt in karate.  I can play a guitar (a late addition to the CV of life there).  After many years of practice, some of my 3d computer work is good enough that I don’t blush if I call myself an artist.  I have a very nice apartment.  I have some good friends, even if we don’t see each other as often as we should.  I have a pretty good knowledge of various sci-fi and fantasy TV, books and films.  Oh yes, and I have some awesome computer skillz.

It doesn’t look like a lot to show for 40 years on the planet when you write it down like that, but I’ve had a lot on.

Birthday weekend was great.  My girlfriend took me out for a meal at the restaurant up the road on Friday night.  Saturday morning we went to pick up my new car (a reluctant birthday present to myself only because the other car was seriously on it’s way out and not worth spending more money on).  Saturday afternoon we went North to stay at a hotel/pub, had a meal and a few drinks there and stopped over.

Monday night my parents were coming over but it was a nice surprise that both my parents arrived, my sister, my oldest nephew and oldest niece and amazingly even my brother and his new fiancee.  It was nice to have everyone together for a couple of hours, and a totally unexpected surprise was that they had all clubbed together to get me the money to buy a new guitar that I have been saving up for (and then couldn’t get because I had to spend my money on a car).  Very wisely, they decided to not go and get the guitar, but let me go and buy it myself.  I was genuinely surprised because this was completely unexpected.

So, on Wednesday I dashed out of work, raced across the county and managed to get to the guitar shop at 5.05 pm – they close at 5.30pm.  I tried the guitar I had been looking at and then bought it, so I am now the very proud owner of a Fender American Standard Stratocaster which is fantastic to play, and looks…well, I know it’s only a guitar, but it is indeed a Thing of Beauty.

So it is nice to report that at the time of the half-time report, I have a woman who loves me, good friends, a great family, my health and a Fender Stratocaster.  What more could a man want?

As I stated, I recently got back from two weeks on a cruise ship in the mediterranean.  The staff on the ship really couldn’t do more to make you feel special and ensure that you have a good time.  Apart from the entertainment team, most of the staff are from the Phillipines, the Ukraine, Russia etc.  This suggests that the pay is not very good, but the staff are always cheerful and helpful, and take the time to chat, remember what you like to drink etc.

Now overall, I think that most people on the ship are like myself and my partner – we are not rich, but we can save up all year to be able to afford to go somewhere nice like this for two weeks of the year.  Many of the people that we met and talked to are probably the same.  You appreciate being waited on in the restaurant and the bars because this is your holiday and you are paying to relax and have fun.  On the other hand, you work hard enough yourself for the rest of the year to understand that the staff are under pressure and can’t always get everything right.

However, there are some people who either can’t have a good time no matter where they go, or who want to pay for a holiday in the £1000 – £2000 mark, but expect to get the sort of holiday that you would get if you were paying £20,000 – £30,000.  Throughout the holiday, I amused myself by looking out for these people.

#1 – Day 2 of the cruise.  Captain’s Formal Dinner and Cocktail Reception: Drinks are handed out as you enter the lounge.  Waiters are going around handing out two ordeurves  (or appertisers if I spelt it wrong).  They stop at a table, put down a napkin and give you two each.  I can’t say I’m too bothered about having any because they are very small, I am going to have a meal of 3-5 courses very soon, and also they are a bit exotic for my tastes – e.g:

 Crab / lobster – if it’s in a shell it’s in there for a reason.  Don’t bother trying to eat it.

Caviar – Fish Poo.  They lie to the rich people when they tell them it’s rare fish eggs.

Weird Foreign Cheese – Just tastes weird.  Better to wait until you get home and have something normal.

Anyway, I digress.  So this particular night, the room is very busy, the waiters are getting around as best they can, but they don’t get to the latecomers (i.e. those of us who arrived 5 minutes before the Captain makes his speech).  Some nob a few seats down from us starts having a rant to his wife about how he’s paid £1700 for this holiday and it’s ridiculous that only a select few people get the ordeurves, and completely unacceptable etc etc.  He’s on a luxury cruise, being served by people on less that minimum UK wage and his world is collapsing because he didn’t get two small biscuits with fish poo on them.  What a nob-end.  Oh, and just to be extra snobby, I’d like to add that if he was going to go to a formal black tie dinner, then a short-sleeved shirt and no tie does not constitute “formal” so he should have gone to the cafe deck instead.

#2 – Day 3 of the cruise.  Lots of people get back from a trip ashore.  There are three lifts, which are all extremely busy because lots of people have just arrived back.  Six of us in the lift.  Four of us want to get to deck 9 (currently on deck 1).  A woman with a carrier bag and a 7-ish year old daughter wants to go to deck 3.  Because people are pressing the call lift button, the doors don’t close for about 40 seconds.  This woman storms out of the lift, saying to her daughter, “This is ridiculous!  We’ll have to walk now instead, we’re not waiting here.”  The poor woman – she had to walk up 4 lots of 8 steps to get to deck 3.  What a tragedy for her and what a waste of her important holiday time to have to wait 40 seconds.  Of course, after she left, so did the lift – which is the universe’s way of giving her the V-sign.

#3 – Day 8.  Sitting at a table on the deck eating.  There is the food galley at one end of the ship on this deck and a bar at the other.  Go up about 12 steps and there is another bar.  There are waiters and waitresses going around taking drink orders, but with over 1500 passengers all on the ship, service is a little slow.  Young couple at the next table.  The young woman stops one of the staff in blue and asks him to get them some drinks.  He explains politely that blue shirts means clearing staff, and asks her to please get someone in a green shirt because they are the waiters / waitresses.  The woman exclaims loudly, “And just where are they?”  I think the answer is obvious becasue they can be seen carrying trays filled with drinks all over the deck.  Then she has a rant at her boyfriend.  Eventually someone comes to take drink orders and she orders…two glasses of water.  So not only is she lazy and can’t go to the bar herself, but she is a cheapskate too.

She wasn’t just like that with the staff – she was like that with her boyffriend too.  She had quite a rant about wanting him to stay here at the table whilst she went sunbathing in case she needed something.  I forget the exact details, but there was a lot of “Me,  Me, ME!” in there.   Personally, I’d have told her to fuck off.

#4 – Day 13.  Saw a woman and her husband outside the restaurant in the morning complaining to one of the 4 restaurant supervisors about a waiter.  The restaurant closes for breakfast at 9.30.  This was 9.25, so they had arrived as late as possible for breakfast there (you can go elsewhere until 10am).  Her complaint?  A waiter took her plate away when she wasn’t finished.  But apparently, it was the way that he did it that upset her the most (I presume silently and efficiently).  Yes, the instant you have an empty plate, or look like you’re done with the scraps of food on it, they come and clear things away.  If you really need to, you can go and get some more food, or get some food upstairs in the cafe, or have an early lunch or whatever.  What you don’t need to do is report some poor, underpaid  guy to his boss simply for doing his job whilst you were doubtless busy chatting and looking like you’d finished.

So there we have it – the problems of the rich.  Never mind that the staff are there for 9 months at a time working very long hours.  Never mind that there are people starving in the world, or that there are people who can never afford any holiday at all.  I’m not saying anyone should feel guilty for enjoying themselves or even for over-eating and drinking too much on their holiday.  If you work all year for it, then you should enjoy yourself.  But don’t pretend that any trivial problem that arises is a major crisis that has spoiled your well-earned break.  That’s just self-indulgent bollocks.

I got back from my holiday a week ago, and I have to go back to work in 5 days which I am not happy about.

I was going to post a day-by-day account of the two week cruise, but so much happened that I’ve lost track, and to behonest I can’t be bothered so it’s just the mian highlights.

The holiday did not start off well.   A few days before we were due to go I had a hard disk crash on my computer.  Now I could have just left it alone until I got back, but I knew that it would bother me when I was away, crawling around in theback of my mind, so I spent a couple of days trying to fix the problem, and eventually bought a new hard drive and did a reinstall.  The computer still isn’t back up to where it was – a lot of the programs I had installed were freebies that I can’t get again.  On the other hand, the computer is now less cluttered with crap.

Disaster number 2 was the night before we were due to go to the hotel at the airport – my car broke down.  Had to get the AA out.  The starter motor had gone.  We managed to bump start it and get the car home.  I asked my dad if he’d help me start it the next day so we could get it to a garage.  He came over and…the damn thing started the first time when I tried it.  Deciding still not to risk it, I took the car to the garage and left it with them.  My dad said he’d collect it when it was done.  He also took us to the hotel at the airport.

Disaster number 3, I was ill all afternoon and evening at the hotel.  Didn’t sleep much (about 2 hours).  We got to the airport at 4am.  Still not feeling 100% I just had a cup of tea.  Luckily the plane was on time and we were on the cruise ship by 11am Majorca time.  We had a seat right next to the wing, so I felt obligated to keep checking it to make sure there was not Something On The Wing – you can never be too careful. I wasn’t feeling great for the first two days, but I was able to get out and about and enjoy the start of the holiday.

Our itinerary:

As previously, the staff on the Thomsom Destiny were brilliant.  We didn’t go out on trips every day this time – the fun of having two weeks was that we could spend time on the ship or just go and explore the ports on our own.  I did of course manage to get slightly sun burned without taking off my shirt.  THe only irritating thing on the whole holiday was some of the other passengers, but I will post about that at a later time.

I was thinking this morning of the impending big FOUR-OH that I have coming up next month.  I can remember being 19 years old and thinking that 30 was pretty old, and 40 was just unimaginable.  I also remember being quite depressed at the approach of my 29th birthday because I was getting so close to 30.

The funny thing is, although in all likelihood I am now halfway through my life (barring any sudden medical advances but I won’t be holding my breath) I am actually quite comfortable with my age.  I like the confidence and the wisdom that comes only with age and experience.  I like being pretty well established in my career.  I like being able to call any male under the age of 30 “son” when I am arguing with them or being patronising for some reason.  I like that my shoulders are bigger than they were in my 20′s when I was working out a lot.

Even the downsides aren’t bothering me – I am getting a lot of grey (or rather white in my case) hairs along the sides of my head.  Close examination of photographs from over 10 years ago has revealed that although my hair is receding slightly above  the temples, it apparently did it 10 years or more ago, and has remained stable ever since.  As a statement here and now to the world at large I will declare that I will not at any time be using dye or anything similar on my hair – I personally find it a bit unmanly.  Just man up and let it go grey, or even just let it go.  I do think that I might have to go back to having my hair shorter when I have it cut, but my girlfriend isn’t keen on the idea, so I’ll have to drop the idea for now and just get it shaved shorter in a few months time. 

So, overall life is actually good right now – although I am slightly dreading flying away on holiday next week (I don’t really like flying).